In their work on self-esteem, Richard Bednar and Scott Peter- son point out that the very experience of coping—risking failure—increases our self-conﬁdence. If we avoid hardships and challenges because we may fail, the message we are sending ourselves is that we are unable to deal with diﬃculty—in this case, unable to handle failure—and our self-esteem suﬀers as a result. But if we do challenge ourselves, the message we are sending ourselves, the message we internalize, is that we are resilient enough to handle potential failure. Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them has a greater long-term eﬀect on our self-esteem than winning or losing, failing or succeeding.
Paradoxically, our overall self-conﬁdence and our belief in our own ability to deal with setbacks may be reinforced when we fail, because we realize that the beast we had always feared—failure— is not as terrifying as we thought it was. Like the Wizard of Oz, who turns out to be much less frightening when he comes out from behind the curtain, failure turns out to be far less threatening when confronted directly. The pain associated with the fear of failure is usually more intense than the pain following an actual failure.
In her 2008 commencement speech at Harvard, J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, talked about the value of failure:
Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential…… I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. . . . Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies. . . . The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity.
We can only learn to deal with failure by actually experiencing failure, by living through it. The earlier we face diﬃculties and drawbacks, the better prepared we are to deal with the inevitable obstacles along our path.